The Blog of Lance…

…the ultimate whining machine…

Bored…

Posted by Lance Ballance on July 12, 2009

I am almost done with vacation…a well-deserved one in my opinion (your actual opinion my vary. I am currently at the airport in Las Vegas, waiting for my (now delayed) plane. I am on a layover (Not that kind of layover, but what happens in Vegas…), and am bored out of my mind.  I am tired of the slot machines…although the Star Wars ones seem pretty cool…

Not Droids.

Not Droids.

I spent last week in Sacramento on vacation. For the first time in YEARS, I was able to enjoy the 4th of July with my family. It’s a (pun intended) blast. The capper to the night was the immolation of over $1000 in fireworks.  We celebrated our Nation’s independence the only way Real Americans should…by blowing shit up.

Oh say can you...RUN!!!!

Oh say can you...RUN!!!!

After that, the week was a collection of memories. From Golf with my in-laws, to a day trip to San Francisco, and all points in the middle…I had fun. And I want to come back.

However, I must stop, my laptop battery is croaking. However, to close this missive, the guy sitting next to me has a freakin’ bar code tattooed on his arm. You read correctly, A BAR CODE!  I really want to look it up to see what it is for…or how much this yutz thinks he’s worth. What are you…a steak?

Scan me...I'm special, and $1.99 a pound.

Scan me...I'm special, and $1.99 a pound.

Tattoo fail.

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Blast From The Past…

Posted by Lance Ballance on June 16, 2009

Loved this song…but another example of a rocker who should not have tried to act out the lyrics of his song. Just hit play, and close your eyes. Or turn off the computer monitor and let the speakers do the work.

Tony Carey-A Fine Fine Day

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Do not try this at home…

Posted by Lance Ballance on June 12, 2009

Yes, it’s thunderstorm season again. And, with that, come tornadoes. This is a very cool video that was shot INSIDE a tornado.  Yes…everyone was okay. No meterologists were injured in the making of this film.

If I could find the video of Les Nessman describing what to do when the tornadoes attack…I’d post that too.

…pretty cool, huh?

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David Carradine…’nuff said.

Posted by Lance Ballance on June 10, 2009

Shocked…shocked I am after logging into my blog today. Why am I shocked? Quite frankly…I’m stunned that anyone actually READS this steamer of a blog. I’m also stunned after looking at the stats that 3 people found it by Googling my name. Who would Google me? (I’m looking at you, Perez…stop calling me.)

But, I happily digress.

David Carradine is dead. Not in the “Kill Bill” manner that I honestly expected him to go out in. But somehow he found a way to go out in an even more outrageous manner.

Hands…and junk…joined by rope.

Not going to get into specifics…just in case my 12 year old daughter was one of the ones Googling my name (in that case…the weird My Little Pony/Transformers mashup is the next post down). But, let’s just say in Thailand…where Bill ultimately “met the Bride”…it may (or may not) be referred to as “natural causes”.

But, what about David’s film legacy? Wow…where do you start? In my opinion, it all starts and ends with one…shining monument to cinematic glory…

DEATH RACE 2000.

I first saw this movie sitting on a video store shelf in 1982, and must have worn out the tape with repeated rentals. It also aired during the time we were pirating HBO in the early 80’s. For those who don’t know…click here for the Wikipedia, I simply don’t have the time and am stealing a wireless connection. Media…should be free.

This scene may sum it all up. David Carradine (as Frankenstein), in a small fit of road rage.

The added bonus, is that at the end of the clip, we enjoy about 5 seconds of the single greatest radio personality to EVER grace the mic…The Real Don Steele.  With him…and also appearances by “Gopher” from The Love Boat and a young Sylvester Stallone…this movie makes my “Lance Ballance VHS-Tory” collection. Just awesome…

……oh, and don’t tie yourself up, kids. Dying is bad.

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No…

Posted by Lance Ballance on May 12, 2009

…I haven’t posted in a long time. I have a job. Deal with it.

In the mean time, since I finally saw Transformers and am now salivating over Transformers 2, Electric Boogaloo… here is a trailer that everyone has already seen. But, I have a job…so I’m just now getting around to it. Sheeesssh. What do you want for free??? This is still the best value for your entertainment dollar on the Interwebs…

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Samuel Fail Jackson

Posted by Lance Ballance on April 21, 2009

found this while perusing FilmDrunk…they’re blogolicious!

Wha?

Extreme Fail…

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Another test of the Internet Broadcasting System…

Posted by Lance Ballance on April 20, 2009

Observe, gentle reader…

We're cute!

We're cute!

These are ducks…not just any ducks, BABY ducks. Yellow and fuzzy, adorable if you will…

Notice the name of the .jpg of the duckies: erintopless.jpg.

You will also notice a tag in this blog that says: “Erin Andrews Topless”.  There are no such photos here.  But, by use of said tag, and the name of the file…

PAGEVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the weekend, the total of how many hits this gets, especially from Miss Andrews cute and fuzzy lawyers.

Y’all are perverts…

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Vijay Singh is better than you…

Posted by Lance Ballance on April 8, 2009

During the annual 16th hole water-hazard-ball-skip-and-not-get-wet competition yesterday at Augusta. Vijay Singh skipped a ball off of the water hazard, and yes…in the hole.  Someone had a camera…

That’s one of those monents when even Tiger has to cock his head slightly left and nod, “Dayum!”

But still not quite to the level of this classic Masters Moment:

“IT’S IN DA HOLE!!!”

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I was gonna buy a PS3 and Guitar Hero…

Posted by Lance Ballance on March 30, 2009

…until I saw this…

5 words: Bobby-Knight-has-chicken-legs…

This may be enough to get Metallica drinking again.

Near Fail…only because Metallica almost saved it. But, this is an unfocused mess.

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Want this…

Posted by Lance Ballance on March 27, 2009

From the gang at Gizmodo…

Tesla is a car company that has come out with a new electric car, price tag: $50,000+. Why do you ask is it so expensive?  Read on, tech-heads…

But, does it get NFL Sunday Ticket?

But, does it get NFL Sunday Ticket?

That is just the dashboard. As Keanu Reeves so eloquently stated in “The Matrix”:

“Whoa…”

Click here for the full story from Gizmodo…

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