Hate to say it, but in my mind…this “Birk” character has gone from “idiot of the week”, to freakin’ genius.

Apparently, his blog about how to spend the $700 billion bailout package with the fuzzy math, was simply a test to see who would notice. Apparently, MILLIONS of folks fell for it, and forwarded it without checking the math…and he noticed. This was simply a test to see how people would react…


To paraphrase “K” from Men In Black: “A person is smart…people are dumb, panicky, irrational and you know it.”

Put my name down as one who noticed as well, Birk. You win…

Reggie Dunlop, 1925-2008.

As much as it sucks to hear that Paul Newman is gone, I must reflect on one of his greatest films.

No, it’s not Cool Hand Luke, The Color Of Money, Absence of Malice (although I LOVED the 5 Neat Guys placing it in their Oscar Medley). Rather, his greatest on-screen moment had to be an exchange with Strother Martin…and there is NO Failure to communicate…

Absolutely Not Safe For Work…

“Better they play with their toys than play with themselves…”

“They’re too dumb to play with themselves…”

You got it…it’s Slap Shot.

How ironic that I chose to watch Slap Shot again last week, just prior to the news that Paul had gone to coach the Nighthawks.  Something must have been in the air…

Miss you, Reggie!

Hey Birk! You suck at Math…

How many of you have seen this e-mail floating around? Read it…and then I will prove that you cannot believe everything you read on the interwebs…

I'm the king of e-mail forwards
I'm the king of e-mail forwards...

This is the best plan I have heard in a LOOOOONNNNG time:

The Birk Economic Recovery Plan

Hi Pals,

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a ‘We

Deserve It Dividend’.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bon-a-fide

U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and

child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a ‘We Deserve It


Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends

$25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A

husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads

Put away money for college – it’ll be there

Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car – create jobs

Invest in the market – capital drives growth

Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who

lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting

back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it…instead of

trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is

being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U

S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.

Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate.

Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion ‘We

Deserve It Dividend’ more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington

DC .

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5

Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh…I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,


T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it’s either good for a

laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85


Okay, did you get all of that? There is just one problem. $85 Billion, divided by 200 Million, is only $425! Not the $425,000 that the writer leads us to believe. It’s only 425 bucks each, folks. Not even enough for the power bill this month. Even if they use the $700 Billion that was approved today, that’s only $3500 per person. Still WAAAAAAY the heck off of the $425K.

85 TRILLION…on the other hand, works out fine.

One hasty forward victim wrote “This Man Should Be President!”

I think he already is…

Carry the decimal point, dumbass
Carry the decimal point, dumbass

Birk…short for Barack? Hmmmm…

Read it…before you forward it.

Unbelievable…but true (part deux)

When we last left Clay Aiken, he was going to be a baby daddy. Well, not so unbelievable is the revelation that Clay…is officially playing for the other team.

When reached for comment, Captain Obvious had this reaction: “Duh.”

My reaction is even simpler: “SO?” Why this is news…boggles the mind. Big Deal.


I’m still waiting for that Lindsay Lohan/Sam Ronson “Crying Game” revelation…don’t tell me that isn’t on the way.

Lindsay! Why won't you call anymore???
Lindsay! Why won't you call anymore?

Honestly, if I were lesbionic…I’d pick a hotter girl than Samuel. Sam looks too much like a dude to believe a word of the lesbian stuff. Lindsay may be very nearsighted…that explains it.

The Single Life…

This should pretty much sum it up:

Left work last night at 6:45.

Got home to the party pad, cracked open a beer, and made pasta. Then…Seabiscuit on DVD.

2 beers and Seabiscuit winning the Santa Anita Handicap later, Lance sleep.

Yeah…guys, living away from your family is a non-stop party. I’ll get one of my drunken nude female party-goers to clean my dishes…oh, wait.

I’m 41…no party, work tomorrow.

Yeah, it’s been a while…

I almost feel bad about not blogging much over the past few weeks. After all, it’s not like I moved out of my house to another state to take a new (infinitely BETTER) job…or is it? Oh yeah, all that stuff happened.

I can now confirm that even though I am happily married with kids…I am living the bachelor life. 1 bedroom apartment, mattress on floor, only beer and wine in fridge…no furniture…no problem.  However, this being me, there had to be some dramatic calamity that caused aggravation, and I got it my very first night in the apartment.

This guy...will make your deposit "non-refundable".
This guy...will make your deposit non-refundable.

No, I didn’t have Nordic Warriors conducting drills on my deck, I just needed an excuse to run this picture. Governor Conan… tee hee… Huh? Oh….AHEM! Anyway, I decided to run the dishwasher once with no dishes in it, just to make sure that it was totally clean (Just a habit…I’m not obsessive complu—DAMMIT! 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8!) . After a few moments of hearing the dishwasher run, I noticed that a small puddle was forming on the floor. Small in the sense of: “Rhode Island is a small state…but it still takes an hour to drive across”. I immediately turned off the dishwasher and opened the cabinet doors. A simple hose had come undone. Not a real tragedy. I simply used a key to tighten the camp and we were back in business. However, I needed to use my brand new towels to mop up the mess. I had no paper towels, so I had to get out the good linens…bummer.

Looking for these, sailor?
Looking for these, sailor?

After wiping up Lake Superior, I placed the towels in my kitchen sink, but needed one to mop up a bathroom spill (no showercurtain). I then left that towel on the bathroom floor overnight. The next evening, it was time to wash said towels. I placed them in a plastic grocery bag and headed for the laundry room. When it came time to take the towels out of the bag, I noticed a noise in the bag. Then…a movement. Uh Oh. I had no clue what was inside, but finally got a peek at the source of the issue. The beast and I were face to face…



It was this guy…a small lizard/gecko/thing had either crawled into the plastic bag…or had taken up residence in my towels back at the apartment. So, I may very well have more small lizard type creatures in my bachelor pad…or not. I made sure to release the creature back into the wild, and allowed it to live.

Nothing like a little nature in suburbia.

Children’s Hospital

Even though I have only lived in Birmingham for 3 1/2 days, I feel compelled to blog about Magic 96.5’s radiothon, which is going on until Friday at Colonial Brookwood. Why do I feel compelled to blog about this? Three reasons.

First…come on, it’s MAGIC 96.5! Gotta shout it out for my new peeps! Rob & Shannon, Ericka, and JT are making miracles happen on the air, so take time to call and help the kids of Alabama who need our help.

Second and Third…Daryn and Allyn Ballance, my daughters. If anything happened to them, I would not know what to do. Thank God for places like Children’s Hospital, so that I can be assured that if anything happens to my kids, I know they will be taken care of. If you have kids…or are planning on it someday, you know what I am talking about. This is similar to purchasing an insurance policy…you are insuring that your kids will recieve the best care available.

Be sure to click here to check out Magic 96.5 online for all of the phone numbers, and to listen live if you are outside the Birmingham area.

You can also click below to make a donation online…

Donate here
Donate here