My Private Prison

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It’s not easy…never has been for me.  Just when I think I have something wonderful, I have this tendency to virtually ball it up and throw it in the garbage. It’s a pattern that I’ve seen with myself time and time again. And now, I’ve saved the best for last.

I cannot get into too much detail, but the past month and a half has been the worst of my life, because of my actions and reactions. Now, I am not in a position to restart my life as of yet, because of my actions and reactions. Eventually, yes, but my private prison is the space in my mind where I know what I should have, and could have done to avoid all of this. To those I loved, it feels like I have died. One day, the Lance they all knew and loved was there, and the next…he was just a memory, replaced by a tragic figure.

There are those who meant so much more to me than others in my life…so much more. I will always feel regret for how things turned out with them, and only wish them happiness, and offer my apologies for hurting them. My mind…is a private prison that I cannot escape from, and my memories, are just as vivid now as they were 5 weeks ago.

I’ve been through hell in the past month, with no end in sight just yet…and am doing what I can to change the world for myself, so that I never have to face the experiences that I recently endured, again.

As I said, there are those who I will always remember, some much more than others. I will miss the experiences we all shared, the challenges we overcame, and the team and friendship we all enjoyed. Those memories will never fade.

In the meantime, I believe that God has a plan for all of us. His plan for me, was to take me off of a road that has no good destination, and give me pause.  He knew I could not make the right choice, so he placed me in a position where all I could do, was work on bettering myself. Your prayers, are so very appreciated.

I am exceptional. I must keep reminding myself of that, in order to learn from my mistakes. I will no longer settle for second best, and will make sure that my happiness always comes first. If you feel you may be settling…change your course. I could not in time. I almost settled for a life that I would have regretted, and now I have more regret than I ever could have imagined…

Escape the prison in your mind, while you still can. Here are some articles that will help you do just that…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-pattakos/escaping-your-inner-menta_b_327332.html

https://www.earlytorise.com/5-steps-to-escape-your-mental-prison/

 

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Author: Lance Ballance

No TV and No Beer make Lance...something something...

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