This may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written…
On February 26th, 2014…I walked into 250 Commercial Street and was formally introduced to my new team. It was a day full of excitement and hope for the future. I was giddy. I met some truly amazing people, and felt within seconds that I had found my permanent home. The staff was so accommodating and ready to win, and I couldn’t wait to lead them into battle.
Over the course of nearly 3 ½ years, they became my family. Some, closer than others…but we were tight-knit and genuinely loved one-another. Sure, like all families…we had good days and bad days, but we always felt together. And I was proud. Proud to be the one to carry the flag and defend them against all enemies. We reached milestones that hadn’t been seen in years, including the first #1 book with Women 25-54 in 13 years. That was a prideful moment…and I was so happy for my team and their achievements.
Then…things began to change.
I became an equal partner in a great deception. My judgment became clouded, and I began to show favoritism. I didn’t think it was obvious, but upon further review…perhaps it was more noticeable than I knew. Slowly, as much as I preached the “team” concept…I began to selfishly insulate myself, only focusing on certain people in order to maintain the deceit. I hate to say it, but we were pretty good at keeping things quiet for the most part. That is a blessing and a curse.
I still attempted to maintain the “coach and team” mentality with my staff. Regularly building them up with motivational tools, and inspirational quotes. They all know that one of my favorite things to do, was show a clip from a movie at the end of my staff meetings. The speech from ”Miracle”, the final race in “Seabiscuit”, or a motivational moment from “Moneyball”. I always felt like their mentor, and wanted them to win. Yet was engaging in behavior that would ultimately lead to division and my own downfall.
I was deceptive…
I was wrong…
But, I was not the only one…
Having a relationship with a co-worker not only clouds the lines of loyalty, but eventually…leads to destruction of long lasting friendships. I went out of my way to protect one person, and make their life easier every chance I could. I listened to their many complaints and near constant negativity…about the job, and their co-workers, and did what I could to make life easier for one, all while being played like an instrument in their own self-indulgence. When they complained about being interrupted in the studio, I put up “keep out” signs. When they complained about not having enough time to get things done, I reassigned production duties. This was only going to end badly, and that’s exactly what happened.
I will not get into too many specifics about how things ended, but instead want to make sure everyone who trusted me understands how I feel about this…and them. It can be summed up in one short sentence…
I am…….so fucking sorry.
Not just for my actions, but for the fact that you were led along in this deception. That I put my own wants and needs (and the wants and needs of my partner-in-crime) ahead of all of you. That as much as I preached it, I never practiced the idea of “Team First”. I insulated myself and focused on one person and their well-being, rather than my job of helping you achieve your goals. For that, I am sorry.
The regret and remorse I feel over my darkest moment really pales in comparison to the hurt and sorrow I feel over letting my team down. That’s the hardest thing to live with in this…that I left them high and dry. I turned a blind eye to the needs of the many, while only focusing on the desires of one. However, I was not the only one to do that. As the saying goes: “It takes two to tango”. I never wanted to run away from this problem, and refuse to abandon my team, put my head in the sand, and ignore the past. Because, I’m no longer selfish. I’m not a singular entity…and yet, I know there is one more apology that SHOULD be given by the other half of this…but it will never happen. Because of their own pride…and lack of awareness. Put simply, that apology won’t come because they do not care about anyone else. Period.
I will not try to elevate myself over anyone, especially since I fell so far down the dark path that my future is still not certain. But, I face that future knowing that my actions were wrong in being an equal partner in this deceit of my team. Yes…an equal partner.
I’m not sure what is worse…my judgment being clouded over 3 years…or completely abandoning your “friends” for your own selfish interests. I will admit it…I was wrong. I put my own heart and selfish desires before those who mattered most. I owe everyone I heartfelt apology. It took the worst experience possible to finally show me that. You will always be in my heart, and I will always consider you all to be my greatest achievement…and worst personal failure. I was part of a deception. And my team deserves to hear from me how much I care about them, and how much sadness I have over this outcome. And, I’m not the only person who owes them that. But, rather than show some sense of compassion…there are those who would rather slam that door behind them, lighting a match as they cross a bridge without a care in the world about who they abandoned and hurt. They rather celebrate the fact that they were able to run away from their problems, rather than deal with them and admit their failings. Then again, I saw it every day, and even helped them avoid that responsibility. I guess music really is important to some people, because they will never admit that they played everybody for a long time…and continue to do so.
I miss my team. I love all of you…and I will never forget the good times. Yet, I will always feel sorrow for the fact that I placed my own foolish interests…and those of someone else…ahead of yours. You deserved my best, and I failed you.
The karma train caught up with me…and it’s not done. But, there are those who can try to avoid it at every turn…but will eventually meet it as well, it’s the way of the world. When it does catch up with them…it will not be a happy sight.
If you have regrets, don’t bury them. Admit your mistakes. Ask forgiveness. Become a better person. Prove that you can be trustworthy…prove that regardless of your mistakes, that somewhere inside…a good person still exists within you. That’s my goal. And, I should not be alone in feeling that way…
I am…….so fucking sorry.